How Men Are Supposed To Love

The heart beats..
Like marching to the beat of our own drum.
We men should focus on loving more than our women. 
For loving a purpose, is a way a man shows love. 

Today was the first time I came into work feeling amazing. This weekend truly served me well when I needed some time to recover. Recover from hurt, heartbreak and all the stresses this year bombarded me with.

It's like being a super hero, having your super powers being stripped away for months and now having them returned to you.

I almost feel fully restored and extremely confident.

Now, that my own personal issue of "being cheated on" has been dealt with, I can finally get back to focusing my energy on something important. I want to create something to help many people which is why I been writing. But maybe rushing into writing a book isn't the answer for right now. Maybe more research is what I need to focus on.

I need to tap into the artist within. If I'm going to work on something, I want it to be the best expression of me I can deliver. This is why I bought and downloaded, "The Artisan Soul" by Erwin McManus (pastor of Mosaic, Los Angeles).

I will write a book review about it later.. Or maybe I won't have to.. I believe, whatever I'm about to create will be the review.. For the book was created to inspire people to find their inner artisan creative soul.

Unltimately, I'm glad that I'm back. No more postponing and feeling sorry for myself.

I'm a man. I get up, kiss the wife (figure of speech; not married) and head straight to work. Day after day after day because a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

.. And right now, I got to get to work.

How Do We Win Wars?

By winning small battles..

It's a beautiful sunny morning here in Carson, California.
I'm at my parents house for the weekend and already I'm feeling recharged and ready to write!

I'm ready, bring it on!

I'm going to write. I'm going to write. I'm going to wrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiittttee.......

............................
..............
......

Nothing.
I got nothing.

I sign back in on my Netflix account and watch season 2 of Californiacation. (Why didn't anyone tell me this was an awesome show back then? Actually, so many people did say it was awesome... But I always hate the band wagon. I like watching popular shows after the attention goes down. Next up, Lost.)

That's the problem with saying I'm going to write. It means nothing to me.
Just like someone saying,"I'm going to lose weight," and then they shove a "hella-peño burger" in their face, crawl up in fetal position and cry until they go to sleep. (i.e. me)

The trick to this issue is to give the saying "I'm going to lose weight" more juice.. Because just saying that has now power. It has no meaning.

But if I get specific and say, "I'm going to lose 5 pounds," then most likely I would stare at the burger and just give it to my spoiled dog, Miley.

I could get even more specific and say, "I'm going to lose 5 pounds within a week and a half."
It's all about small measurable goals to achieve a big goal.

(Thanks Tony Robbins.. Your motivation makes my nips hard.)

Okay.. So let me try this again.

I'm going to write 500 words everyday for a week.

And here I go.

We Will Never Forget

This will be a day I never forget.
So much hurt.
So much tradegy.
It has to mean for something, right?

It's hard to believe that this much pain doesn't come with so much growth.

To be honest, I wish I could forget.
I wish I could go back before I found out.
But I can't.

So I must remind myself that this pain will be worth it one day.

I'll never forget that this is the last day I feel this way.

In These Moments

There are moments where you are certain you made the right choice.

Then there are moments following those moments which proved you wrong. 

I guess in these "new" moments we shouldn't beat ourselves up too hard.

We lacked the information we didn't have during that initial time. 

Because initially we made the first choice based on what we didn't know. 

So forgive us Father, for we know not what we do. 

.. But now we know

So what now? 

Late Night Thoughts

I'm awake.

I'm lying here in my brother's room, turned guest room. 

It's 4 in the morning.

I guess I'm the guest. 

I'm the guestest guest of all guests. 

My brother took my room ever since I moved out. 

He's lucky.

That was an awesome room.

My room was isolated from the other rooms.

Disturbing anyone was never an issue.

Coming home late from a bar or club, I would bump and shuffle my way into the kitchen for the usual sandwich-making ritual. 

After my sandwich session in the kitchen, I would skip a few lovely skips into my slumbering chamber and into my cozy comforter. 

That room could tell you many stories. 

There's a story of how I fell in love. 

There's a story of how I had my heart broken. 

There's also the time I fell in love again.. Just to have my heart broken. 

Then there was a time where there was no love at all. 

Multiple pretty faces, but in essence the same girl, would walk in and out of my room. 

My mom didn't like that part of my life.

She said, "I'm a girl. So you must be nice to girls."

She made a good point.

I never liked being a player anyways.

It's never suited me. 

I'm more of a hopeless romantic. 

I would love to be in love. 

I'm thinking about dating again.

But that's always a mean to an end, or so I've been told. 

I believe everything will fall into place if I just stay aligned with my purpose. 

Don't get it twisted. My job isn't my purpose. 

But my purpose could eventually be my job.

That's something to think about.

Having a purpose makes me feel good.. And sexy. 

Getting my shit handled and getting creative to help many people.. Aww yeah. 

Help people feel good through writings and letting them know they aren't alone. 

I've been there too. Anyone can take control of their circumstances, not the other way around.

I guess I would first need to lead by example. 

I do a lot of guessing in the guest room. 

Goodnight. 

The Reborn Identidy

"Snapple, you're about to be best friend right now," is what I mutter while I pull a cold one from my parents' second refrigerator. Although hungover and dehydrated due to last night's festivities, I'm glad I went out. I've been taking life way too seriously this year and I needed a night to unwind. (My aching head tells me I might have unwinded a little too much though.)

The drink is refreshing; like the feeling of coming back home. I miss my family's abundance. We have 5 of everything. (Since my mom likes to buy everything in bulk; it's like living in a smaller Costco). I think it's funny how I couldn't see how good I had it until I moved out on my own. To illustrate my cluelesness to my previous abundance, I really thought every family had a second refrigerator or should get one. (Where else can you keep your Snapple at optimal chilling temperatures?). I had it good living here. You really never know what you have until it's gone.

But right now it's all back and I'm appreciating every little moment of visiting home. I'm enjoying the abundance. We have so much stuff.

We have stuff we don't even use. I guess that's why dad cleaned up the garage and now plans to donate  all the stuff we dont use anymore to Goodwill. He wants me to look at my old stuff before he gives them away.

I see my old nursing books lying on the floor. I think to myself, "Wow. I can't believe I used to be a nursing student." It feels like a lifetime ago where constant tests and sleepless nights was the norm for me. (It's still the norm whenever I get into any relationship with a woman. BADUM TSSH!)

The nursing books are hard to look at. With only one semester short of graduating, I was devastated, lost and confused. These were the thoughts I had during that time:

-This is good! I don't think I wanted to be a nurse anyways!
-More lives will be saved.. Who would trust their life to a disinterested nurse anyways? Not me!
-Well, what do I want to be then? What else is there to do? 

- Damn. I've spent my entire college life focused on becoming this.
-Am I a quitter?
-Am I a failure?
-I've let my parents down. All I want is to make them proud.
-I'm so lost

I went through a hard time trying to find myself, but eventually I discovered there is a life outside nursing school. I've actually discovered multiple lives. First, I recycled my nursing knowledge and used it to become a medical coder and claims adjuster. Then I found interest in the film arts (after shooting a nursing video for school project) and became an actor. I started out doing "background" work where I make small cameos in 90210 and disney shows. Shortly after, I went off to study acting, in depth, with the best of the best, Gregory Burg, in LA. (Thanks Yelp)

Now, I'm a writer (or at least trying to be).

I don't want to put a label on myself. Labels, like expectations, are dangerous. We get so attached to our labels sometimes that when life takes that away, we become lost.

But maybe that isn't such a bad thing. I've been told in order to find yourself, you must first lose yourself.

Lose yourself.. Hmmmm. I should write a book about that. Lose yourself to life, love.. and Snapple.

I take another sip.

Aaaaahhhhh. Refreshing. 

There is nothing like Mom's home-cooking.

Trial and Error

I'm frustrated. 

I'm trying to write the book I promised myself that I would write. So far I've just scribbled a few impressive only liners. There's no structure. I don't even know what I'm writing about. I swear, I'm writing 3 different types of books without knowing it. 

The good thing is I'm also an optimist. I know this is just a temporary hump to get over. It's never easy getting into a new practice, but it does get easier with momentum. 

It's the same with love, I suppose. When you love someone, you must get over that hump that this person isn't what you expected. You must learn to love someone for who they really are and not with that "idea" you held for them. 

I should write a book about love.. But it wouldn't be a self help book. I don't think people would buy it, since I don't have the credentials to be taken seriously. First of all, I'm not a marriage counselor nor am I in a successful long term relationship. Maybe I should just write a book about what NOT to do and warn people that they might end up like me. A heartbroken 28 year old who lives in a poolhouse by himself in good ol' Long Beach, California. 

I should give myself more credit actually. I developed the formula to attract love. Right now I'm currently witnessing the trial and error phase. Just like Thomas Edison and his many failed light bulb attempts, alas, I have myself another broken heart. 

Well, no worries. All we need to do is pick up the pieces and move forward. The love of my life is waiting for me out there. So back to the drawing boards it is then.

At least I love myself. 

That's the most important thing.